Right then...

It's now about three hours since my earlier posting, and I'm still not certain of what it is I'm feeling (although thanks to a plate of cheese and crackers, I've eliminated 'hungry' from the list.)

Having this blog gives Landers, Fishcake, Carl and myself a certain degree of latitude in what we say. Even though we do work for the Phoenix, we're not employed by the Phoenix organisation and as such we're not strictly bound to toe the company line. Certainly we've signed confidentiality agreements and the likes, so you'll not find us blabbing secrets on here, but at the same time we're technically free to post whatever the heck we like on here, and what you mostly get is a mixture of our views, feelings, emotions, fears, prides, contentments and crap jokes. There's an old idiom that says you should try to see the humour in every situation, and Lord knows I've been trying to do that this evening.

Having one of our opening weekend games cancelled is a real body blow. Having both of them cancelled is a body blow followed by a kick in the knackers, and then having your lunch money pinched. That's probably the best metaphor I can come up with at the moment.

I think what's got me the most is the missed opportunity. The Phoenix organisation has had no choice but to put our collective faith (that of the staff and the fans) into the abilities of Ice Associates and the army of subcontractors to get the new rink finished. In some areas (namely online forums, and not necessarily the Phoenix one) Neil Morris is being lauded for his determination and bravery whilst at the same time being lambasted for his naivety in trusting the deadlines that he's been given by the builders. The support of some fans from other teams is coming through loud and clear but so is the criticism and cynicism of other fans, keen to put the boot into Phoenix with an 'I told you so' attitude which, whilst they may well have told us so, does absolutely nothing to alleviate the situation that we find ourselves in.

The Caps game was pulled on Friday, but on Saturday a large group of fans turned out at the rink to help with the clean-up operation. The Media Crew turned out, old members and new, to go through a technical rehearsal. Some of the new members are so keen to take part, they willingly turned up knowing that there would be no game, they just wanted to help out and get a feel for Phoenix and what we do. Some of them are students on a media production course, recruited by me from the University where I have my day job, and they're chomping at the bit to get going. They're so dedicated to their chosen speciality areas that they turned out at Blackburn Arena last Saturday night to film the Aardvarx versus Telford Spartans game that faced off at 11.15pm at night, just to get some further experience at filming sports events. Doesn't sound dedicated enough? Try factoring in that, like me, they live in Stoke On Trent. Not one of them has even asked for expenses, let alone any form of payment.

This very Media Crew, including some names that will soon be familiar to you - Millhouse, Fenton, and Jack Sparrow to name but three - spent their Saturday in the freezing cold new rink scouting out camera positions, setting up our audio and video playout equipment, and climbing ladders and crawling along the wall sills to help put the cables in place that we'll need to entertain the crowd. They helped get a 12x8 screen set up with a back-projection unit tested to see if we could run the Opening Sequence.

This morning, Sunday, their schedule included heading up to the new rink as soon as they were finished on another filming shoot that they were already booked onto. I don't think I need to spell out how gutted I was to have to call them and give them the stand-down order, and how gutted they were to receive it. Nor how gutted I was to help take down the 12x8 screen. Next week the area where the screen was set up will be used for its proper function, meaning that the screen most likely won't be used, which in turn means that the Opening Sequence most likely won't see the light of day. Another thing to be personally gutted about.

I know a lot of people are feeling like crap at the moment, and I can empathise with each one of them. I know that I'm supposed to put on a 'brave face' and knuckle down with the old Dunkirk-spirit that seems to be so prevalent throughout the Faithful, and I don't doubt that in the morning my attitude will be to go out there and make sure the opening night is the best that it can possibly be in terms of the entertainment that the Media Crew, but right now I think I'll indulge myself a little and let my cards show. Speaking personally, right now I feel so fed up with it all. The building anticipations, the last minute plan changes, the shattered illusions, the missed opportunities, I've had my fill. I've come home tonight feeling like this whole process isn't worth it, that I've poured in months and months of effort for no result and it's eating me up. But, like I say, this will pass, and once we get the go for the next attempt at an opening night, I'll be there giving it all I've got. But for tonight, I think I'll stay fed up. It'll probably do me good.